What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:03
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
What might be the social consequences of an ethnic as opposed to a civic conception of the nation?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What baseball stories from the early days of the sport seem too bizarre to be true?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why am I dreaming of people I've never seen before?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What are some signs he is deeply in love with you?
My family never makes their pension either.
Who then, do I blame.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What was the worst spanking you ever got? Why did you get it, and how was it given to you?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I think the readers, may guess!
Do narcissists love their children?
One cannot live in the past .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I don,t even have a pension.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im still living with it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So, i spoilt her more .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was very sick at this time too.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was in good health!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He knew the spot.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Put me off passion for life!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
All the time i was locked up.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What did i know ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So whats the point in blame.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I write beautiful poetry .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She married twice! .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were not on the streets..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She wouldn,t have been !
But, we were locked up after school.
And i lived it daily.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I said to her
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She loved him until the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I will be 64.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When she asked me how she looked .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I waited trembling.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ive learnt so much.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Would this be the day?
It was going to be , some day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She found it foreign!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.